5 Months

My last blog post to this site - and update - was 5 months ago.

A month after that blogpost was uploaded, I was taken to the ER and promptly sent to the nearest open psych ward. I stayed there for 10 days. I was prescribed more medication, and sent home. My roommates weren't excited to see me. Neither were the rest of my friends. I needed to move out within the month. I did. Someone close to me was very generous to let me live in their living room for a bit.

I got my life together. I was on new meds. I got a new job that I was excited about. My entire life had fallen apart within a couple weeks and I was rebuilding it.

I just got fired.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't go back to making art for money. It nearly killed me last time. I can't go back to a regular day job. It nearly killed me all over again.

I don't know what to do.

Still Alive - GLaDOS

Hello beautiful people!

It's been so long since my last update. I know. If you care about this site, and my work, then all I can do is hope you understand.

Working has been hard for me as of late. Making any kind of art has been a difficult and laborious process, one filled with many sorts of frustrations and wishes of bodily and spiritual harm to the self and others. Not genuinely, don't worry, my mental health has actually been quite well! I've begun to journal daily, and have been applying logical processes to my experiences in order to allow myself the space within which to think and grow. It's been massively helpful, and I'm learning a lot about myself that, in the past, was all background radiation - always affecting me, but without ever revealing itself outright.

Because of my lack of ability to work on comms recently, I've been desperately trying to find work otherwise. My roommates have been nothing but amazing and supportive, as we're all going through it right now and trying to lift each other up. In my case, I have applied to more jobs than I can physically count, and only one has gotten back to me with an interview. I had it last week. I don't think they want me at all. The search continues, I suppose. I'm simply exhausted right now.

My lover has been astronomically helpful. They've been keeping me fed, and keeping me company. I don't know how I would have possibly handled this period without them.

I'm trying to get myself used to drawing again. My sketchbook has been empty for far too long, and my tablet is DUSTY. I've brought it down tonight, and I've been sketching, trying to remind myself why I draw in the first place. I'm trying to learn to love art again.

I don't think I'm going to be opening commissions at all for the time being. I might do a few streams with some paid sketches, but that'll be the extent of it. I'm really, really fucking tired. Having a creative job was so much harder than I thought it would be, and I wasn't prepared for it. I pushed myself to produce work at a pace barely fast enough to pay rent, and it killed me for several months. I can't do that again. I don't know how I'm going to continue, but I am going to. The time will pass anyways, right?

If you have the will and the means, I have a Paypal.me that you can donate to. If you do, your help means literally everything to me. Thank you <3

Thank you for sticking around, even with my absence. Have a good night, and remember: The only guarantee in this life is that you will be loved when you're here, and missed when you're gone.

Why Porn?

Good morning, good evening, and good afternoon.

I've been asked this a couple times before, but I never really had an answer until recently. The question is short, simple: "Why porn?"

There's the obvious answer, of course: people pay for porn! It's been true for a long time that people love ass and are willing to pay for it. Nothing wrong with that of course, but let's be honest, if there wasn't anything else, then I wouldn't have kept to it for this long (I know 3 years isn't that long to some, but it's a pretty damn long time for me). I've worked many many jobs before, and if I was really about making as much money as I could, I wouldn't be doing commissions.

The next obvious answer is that I like it. Beyond just enjoying it as a hobby or something, I mean, that I am deeply attracted to porn and that it holds some aesthetic or sexual importance to me. And to that I say: Ehhhh? It's alright? I don't really find all that much sexual delight in my own work because I'm too caught up in the artist's brain-space; all I can do is criticize and judge my own work, like an art teacher looking at all of her students first drawings that year. It's actually really rare that I'm enthusiastically happy about my art. I'm generally pretty proud of my work, but not to any degree that most people who create anything don't also feel. As for other people's porn, at this point all I see is references and competitors.

Well if it's not that, then what?

Pornography is defined by what it makes you feel (don't worry, I'm not gonna go too crazy during this). Generally speaking, it's erotic, so that feeling is obvious: horny. You can just say that anything sexual is pornography (as I've heard many times, christ), but that would ignore all of the cases in which that simply isn't true. From the artsy sex scene intercut with a gruesome fight, to the dirty jokes of Shakespeare's plays. Porn needs to make you horny, that's what it's designed to do. Of course, though, that's an obvious fail state; if it doesn't make you, specifically, Horny As Fuck, then it's not porn, right?

Now I steal someone else's words:

"I feel the essence of the pornographic is a world which exists inconsistently and improbably for the sake of creating a given scenario, a given sensation. from the horny scifi universe where evolution somehow deigned to create an ecosystem built off of harvesting cum, to the torture-porn world of unrealistic grittyness and a revelry in suffering which would speak against the desperate conditions that supposedly bring it about. it's the same sense as that in which disco elysium's narration describes its fishing village as being 'almost pornographically poor'. something that defies reality to bend purely to acting as fuel for given fantasy, with all other concerns abandoned. something meant not to be taken as communication between author and audience, but applied by the audience to themselves." - Apas-95 on Tumblr.

I've been running with this definition ever since I first read it. It fits perfectly, it exactly describes the one thing about porn that fascinates me the most: its completely unnecessary justification.

Storytelling is, in my mind, a practice of justification. As is physics, and engineering, and cooking, and any other science or art. Whatever you do, no matter how insane or rational it may or may not be, it requires justification, some reasoning as to why you do it. Let's say we're writing a story, and we have Character A who is a jolly happy person that has lots of hope in this world. Now, Character A would be far more effective in this story if they had someone oppose them, so we create Character B, a dark cloud of misery and sorrow. If Character B was just there for no reason and had nothing to do, and Character A went on their jolly way, that's not a very good story. But, if it's porn? Character B only exists there to fuck Character A. You don't really need any reason beyond that.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm awful tired of this practice of justification. If I want to relax, then I do it by doing whatever, for no reason but to do it. Porn is the perfect genre for that. Whether it's erotic, or miserable, or a RomCom (we'll get to that another day), I want to just believe that this incredibly convoluted scenario is possible, that the weird things that would be necessary to happen for this to be possible just happen and we don't think about the consequences. Just let it be, let the surface be all of the substance.

Thanks for reading my rant lovelies. Have a good night, and remember: Cold brew and orange juice? Weirdly good together.

Magic 8 Ball

Good morning, good evening, and good afternoon lovelies!~

I went to the Planetarium with my lover the other day. It was wonderful - we got popcorn and watched the Newton's Daydream run through its cycle of "bit bit bits" and "tom tom toms." When I held a magic 8 ball at the Planetarium gift shop and shook it asking if I'd marry my lover in 5 years, it said no. In 4 years, it said no.
Right now, the snow is piling up outside my home like layers of sand. I'll walk through that later to sweep off the car, to open the door and start it so that it may warm up before going to my lover's home to have dinner with her family. Her father and eldest sister I've become closest to, close enough to feel comfortable calling them my own dad and my own sister.
In 3 years, it says, the answer is certainly yes.

So, a couple of updates.

1- I am officially beginning work on this website again -- I wanna get some tidying up around here, upload my more recent pieces, etc.

2- I've had to stop taking my anti-psychotics due to the restlessness being so bad I physically couldn't sit down to work on commissions. If you're wondering what's taking so long on your commission, that's why!

3- I've made a discord server! It's very very young - I only just made it, and it's only got a couple in it. It's a good place to be if you wanna be notified about any of my art stuff, like new pieces, or commissions, or blogposts like these, or anything I do really. It'll also be a good place for artists and art enjoyers alike, as there's channels already set up for sharing art (both SFW and NSFW) and for discussion around art. If you want to see me stream, at all, this is where I'll be doing it!
https://discord.gg/hX4Q38pC
I'll be updating this link as it's used - I just don't want the server to get too filled up too quickly.

Now, onto more flowery language!!

Would anyone be interested in seeing my poetry by any chance? I'm considering getting the writing page on this site up and running so I can post stuff like that, but there are technically more important things to do here than that, so... Would people be interested in my poetry? Wait, you can't respond to these blogposts yet, can you? Oh! You can tell me in my discord!!

In other news, I've been playing Savage Worlds in a home game recently -- It is SO much fun, genuinely?????? I'm running a game called Expedition: Everything, which is an adventure of our main cast as they set off from their home village to see if there's anyone else out there in a post-apocalyptic setting, and it uses the Savage Worlds system. It's different, but it's really easy to learn and intuitive. Highly recommend, 10/10.

Have a good night, lovelies, and remember: If you need a little snack but can't eat anything, try microwaving pepper jack cheese and bread for 10 seconds to get a quick soft treat.

Maybe Not The Calmest

Hello all! Got a short one for you today.

Today is the 22nd, and I've been on medication since the 4th. So that's.... 18 days. Almost 3 weeks. My body isn't having any serious reactions to the meds, so that's good. Just some restlessness. It's like I always have to be doing something. I've gotten into the habit of doing a few pushups and stretches in between working on commissions. "But what about the bipolar?" you say! Well...

I took a nude the other day. I was really proud of it. I had just popped out of the shower, I felt good. I took the photo, I sent it to a couple of people. I think I realized then what actual self-confidence felt like, rather than the perceived grandiosity of the self. I wasn't Goddess of Fertility and Making Specifically You Cum. I was just. Me. Ya know? And that was enough, in that moment.

In other words, they're working.

No suicidality, I've been working consistently, I've been enjoying my hobbies without the compulsion to overwork myself with them. I still have my moments of silliness, but it's like I have a choice in it now. There's no roll of the dice on how I'll feel today. I woke up at 7 and I made myself some tea. This is the calmest with myself I've ever felt. Or maybe not. Maybe it's not the extremest extreme there is. But I feel good. And that is enough.

Have a good evening lovelies, and remember: If you can't read in your dream, it's because you're dreaming.

Snow and Nutella

It's Saturday morning. I sit in my bedroom at my desk with all of the blinds closed. Before I had closed them, I admire the snow falling off the orange trees as a squirrel runs on a telephone wire past it. My lover is quietly asleep to my right, and, hoping to not disturb her, I close the blinds, forcing the bright bright sun away, as though behind night itself.

I've been doing much much better since the last blogpost! I called a psychiatrist and set up an appointment to meet for a consultation to get on mood stabilizers. I've officially turned in all of my things from work, and I likely won't see that place again anytime soon. I've even been working on commissions really regularly! Getting them in, and churning them out like well-made bread. I'll upload all of my work as soon as I have time. I'm only getting this blogpost up right now because I'm waiting for my lover to wake.

We're celebrating our 4th year anniversary this weekend. Technically it'll be 4 year on Sunday, but we like celebrating on Black Friday since I end up coming over for Thanksgiving anyways, despite not celebrating it. Growing up in a Russian household, Thanksgiving was always mostly an "other kids" thing. It's just an excuse to spend more time together now (and to eat her mother's cooking, christ).

I just have this feeling that I've washed away much of what was holding me down before. I feel good. I feel better. I've even been trying to go out of my way to try new things, like Nutella (not really, I've had it before, just not in a long time lmao)!

Oh I also turned 21 a couple weeks ago!! I meant to do a birthday blogpost, but things still felt pretty heavy at that point. I've unfortunately discovered that I'm a wine lover -- I went to the liquor store and I asked one of the employees what the harshest wine they had was, and they gave a Zinfandel called Gnarly Head (it should've been me), and???? It's really fucking good?? I've had a couple more wines this month and I'm having a great time. I'm not fighting the wine aunt allegations very hard at all.

Anyways, my lover's starting to wake up now, so!
Goodbye, and take care of yourselves lovelies. And remember: try your sour cream and onion chips with some nutella. I promise it's good.

The End of the Line

So I think the site is done!! Well, not done done, but like, done! It's ready to be seen, it's ready to be viewed and explored. Just so happens to be that Half of the navigation bar doesn't really lead anywhere besides blank pages lmao

It's alright though! I got this up and going remarkably quickly for someone who's a) a hobbyist and b) only just started getting back into webdev since -- *checks notes* -- HIGHSCHOOL. I'm very very proud of the website, how it looks and feels. I wish it was easier on mobile users but, honestly, I'm really not worried. There's a part of me that wants to be all "fuck mobile users, suffer!! =D)))" but like, I also get it? Sometimes you're just browsing on your phone.

Anyways. That was my most pressing thing. Now that this thing is finally like. Functional. I can continue with everything else.

The main reason I was so quick to get this site (and the commission page specifically) up is because I desperately need to be able to do work right now. I just quit my job (for good reason) and my income is no longer stable. I don't think I'll be able to safely enter The Workforce again for a little while. That's alright. I'll do what I can, when I can. I'll figure it all out, and things will be okay (I don't know if I'm writing this more for me or for you).

The reason I quit my job (and we're properly getting into venting territory here) is because I had a massive breakdown recently. For those unaware, I have Bipolar Disorder, which is a mental condition characterized by periods of depressive and manic behavior. Depressive episodes, for me, tend to last a couple of months at a time, and I'm usually in a period of extreme overstimulation, where I'm easily overwhelmed by simple things, and that can cause a positive feedback loop of internal self-flagelation. Manic episodes, on the other hand? Only a couple of weeks, but I'm looking for extra stimulation all of the time. This can result in me going out of the way to take on more projects because I feel bored, taking up a new hobby, doing all of my chores in one sitting, rearranging my bedroom, etc. And those are all... fine? ya know? I don't mind being manic at all. But it becomes a problem when I'm so bored at work that I start looking for extra stimulation through things that would be inappropriate at work. I'm able to keep that pretty buried, it's usually not a problem, outwardly. But you do that enough, hold down every single impulse you have, every little tick that might make people give you a weird look -- it gets exhausting very quickly. So when I realized I had to go to work the other day, despite being in such such such a good mood, I fucking BAWLED.

And look. There's enough notes on my therapist's profile for me that I really do doubt that was the only reason I couldn't even stand being there. And maybe the place just sucks in general! Who knows anymore.

I've been struggling with suicidal ideation for a while now, and recently it's been less and less of a vague "fuck me im gon kms" and more and more of actually fantasizing about it, and making a plan to follow through on. I won't go into the details. There is a reality where I didn't make it through any of those dips. I really don't know how I was able to pull myself out from the last ditch, but there's a part of me that's scared I won't be able to next time. So: I quit my job. I can't continuously put myself in harm's way, I can't continue to go work an entire day beneath loud lights and 2010s pop music just to come home and not the energy to do anything but go to sleep and repeat it the next day.

This has been happening for months. This is why I've been unable to get commissions done, this is why I've been unresponsive and inactive in every community I've involved myself in, this is why I've stagnated this year.

But, this November. I quit my job. I gave myself my own space to work in at home. I'm crossing my fingers that everything works out. It has to.

Take care of yourself lovelies. Remember to put lotion on your hands after washing them.

Holy Shit It's November.

It’s currently the 3rd of November, about 1:43 AM. I am writing this update after realizing just how much time has passed since I last even looked at this project. This is ambitious, but I need this website to at least be vaguely working very very soon because, well – I’m desperate.

Second update, adn it’s already one of those kinds of updates. Strap in.

First of, of all of the things I need to address, it’s the fact that I have been taking a very long time with commissions these past few months. I deeply apologize to everyone affected by that. If you were one of the people that commissioned me and I sent you a link to this blogpost, then you are welcome – encouraged, even – to read through this. This is as close as I will get to a comprehensive explanation of my absence these months.

To make a long story short, I’ve had a lot of health issues pop up recently. Between making sure that I could still afford medication, therapy, and rent all together and keeping the snowball that is my workload rolling without getting crushed, I’ve also been stuck at a job that is causing me significant mental and physical distress. Naturally, I addressed all of these things one by one and made the most rational decision I could: to put myself at risk of an even worse medical situation.

It has taken a lot to get myself out of the hole that I had dug myself into, and I’m trying desperately to recover everything now that I’m up on the surface. I’ve quit my job, and I’m going to try doing commissions full time again. I’m opening my commissions page now, and will be using that as a centrepoint of information regarding my commissions – everything from prices to to terms and conditions and FAQ and other fun things lmao

We’ll see how this goes!! I’m honestly really really nervous about this. Last time I tried to do commissions full time, I had to choose between food and rent, and I was still overwhelmed with my workload. I’ve updated my prices and conditions so that hopefully I’ll be able to work with some more security this time around, and I’m instating some pretty hard and fast rules for myself now for the actual working part of my job.

I hope these changes will make everyone happy. I hope they’ll make me happy. I hope I’ll be able to afford rent, and still have enough to buy gifts for some friends as the holidays come around.

Speaking of!!! It’s my 21st birthday in a week!! I’ll be legally allowed inside of clubs and bars, and I’ll be able to show off my landscape-orientation ID to all the cops downtown. In all seriousness, though, I am actually really excited. I’m not usually very fond of celebrating my birthday in the first place, but I think I’m going to try to enjoy it this year. I think things might turn out for the better.

~Take care lovelies, and remember: You’re not a burden. I promise <3

Hello World!

This place exists now!!! Jesus christ, I feel like I've been meaning to do this for years. Well-- I have, actually, haven't I? I've been dreaming of my own website for this kind of thing since I was in highschool. It's not even fully done, yet, but I feel like I need to write something to fill this empty space. Might as well call tonight the birth of this site for the sake of ease. Sure, it's not fully ready but it IS there!! I can see it!! It looks so good!! (at least i think so).

So let's make clear what I intend to do with this website, first and foremost. This might change in the future, but I've given this some thought and I think this is pretty good:

1) Most, if not all of my art will be hosted here. I need a portfolio that doesn't rely on any other domain or service, at least as far as I can manage. Neocities feels like a pretty good compromise between ArtStation and having to dig through all of my files and sending my art one by one to people. God, I remember when I used to wish I was old enough for an ArtStation. It's not worth it besties lmaoooo -- it's not some magical thing that suddenly makes you a professional. This is, however. Mhm. /s

2) This should be a place for me to collect and organize my thoughts on my craft. Hence this little blog section. If I'm going to be talking to anyone through these longform bits, I might as well do it in a way I'm comfortable and happy with -- what better way than to dump all of my creative juices into a Web 1.0 style website?

3) I want to have fun. Some buttons here might lead to some weird and quirky places (imagine I'm throwing sparkles into the air and saying that with some really gay flair that makes it obvious I'm playing on the fact that the term is overused). I just wanna have fun with web design, since I'm actually starting to have fun with it now and exploring the medium. I'm going to make many bad decisions regarding the design of this website, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

4) This is a really good chance for me to give context to a lot of things, such as my art pieces, my shitty music, essays, etc. I can collect them all together here, link stuff together. If I'm gonna do this, I might as well go all in.

If I think of anything else, I'll update this list in another blogpost.

In case you skipped all that, and only want to read the following for any reason:
For now, welcome! I hope you enjoy your stay. I will be updating this site periodically with art, blogposts, poems, songs, etc. Really, whatever suits my fancy. I hold no obligation to anything I do on here. This is my happy place now.

To Do List:
1 - Make blogposts their own thing, and link them on the homepage here.

Take care lovelies, and remember to be nice to yourself! Don't scrub your hair too hard in the shower.